In Pursuit Of Perfection?

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A few years ago, I tried to join several blog sites, tried to write about bits and pieces of me, just to get used to it, and just so I could practice the fine art of blogging.  I bought domain names, paid for hosting, practiced writing, and blogged only for my eyes to see and revise to my heart’s content (not realizing I keep doing it over and over that I no longer have the time to move on – just like what I am doing now) – I know, it’s ridiculous. I stopped after a while – not because I don’t have anything to write anymore but because I felt I was not an effective and efficient writer.

cant write

I seem to readily admit that I am not going to be a writer, Nope! Not even a so-so blogger. Because my left dominated brain is so (darn) successful in criticizing my own writing, being so overly critical with how I do it, I gave up. English is not my native language that I almost-always freak-out when it comes to grammar and word choices.  I do not like being misunderstood.  I certainly don’t enjoy being  judged by people I don’t even know. So I shoved it aside, let it rut very far behind my head and procrastinated for a few more years – to gather all the courage I need to start over – or so I thought. I continued with my foolishness for five long years. Foolishness! How foolish I could be?

Until boredom started to set in a few months after my retirement, suddenly becoming aware of that stage in life where midlife crisis begins – the result of being a late “bloomer”, I guess. 🙂

I began reading again. I read a lot, it’s now my favorite hobby – I’d like to think so 🙁 ;  I read anything – good, bad, insightful, trash – I read whatever captures my interest.  I just don’t remember all of them.  And that is why I began to worry and got paranoid. Being depressed (for the rest of my life) about it though was not an option.  I just had to keep up with my kids.  I need the “right” motivations to stir-up my already-becoming-stagnant-brain.

My mind tend to play with the thought of me as a possible candidate for “Ms. Alzheimer Y Dementia” for a certain “Ms. Morbid Pageant”. A gory thought, I know! Yikes! What with all the correlated physical health issues that come with “maturity”? Hypertension, Arthritis, Diabetes, Backaches, and God knows what else!  I sometimes wonder – how many of us middle-aged women go through all these non-sense thoughts?  Is this a sign of PMS (pre-menopausal syndrome)? Oh Wow! I don’t even want to think further about it.

I have never really thought that I’d be one heck of a paranoid when I reach this stage in my life. And I thought that these diseases are scarier than a ton of people correcting my grammar or laughing at my writing style, or somebody questioning my choice of words and/or opinion.  I think I can live with that!

But what if (just IF) – the precious memory of my children and family were totally erased (to zilch/zero) if something “knocks me out”?  Can I survive that?  Well, at least for now, while I am still aware of things happening around me – I’d say: “Oh No! That would be terrible for my kids.”

Five years is too long (already) for me to stay stuck just because I have not overcome those silly thoughts in my head (yet).  Heck! I am aware of it but I keep ignoring it.  Procrastination.  How bad is that?

Fighting back with the effects of my own life’s crisis is a huge struggle as far as I am concerned but I have to do something about it.  Starting with my “imaginary fears” – and that is: letting the “dub-dub-dub” (www) know of my big, fat, lousy insecurities! – in general.

cant write2So, to commit myself into at least an “improvement”, henceforth, I would not care whether or not anyone would like the way I write. I will write because I just want to do it.  I will write because I have so much in my head to write about. I will write because I need to refresh my nut head.  I will write not because I dream of being a great author (which will not happen anymore), but because I need to keep up with my kids’ writing skills (I have more on this in later posts).

I will write anything I could ever think of from now on – before I begin to forget everything because of a slowly approaching threat to my memory. So, anyone who will have a problem with how this blog would look like (from now on), I am sorry if you wouldn’t like it (might as well, “learn” from it).  I will be writing because I will no longer be afraid to let my mind spill out and let the world know of my own thoughts. I will write for as long as I could.  This privilege is mine. The time has come for me to get out of my “box”. Thank you!

And that tiny devil inside my head says: Oh, wow! That’s a strongly bold declaration you had up there! We’ll see. LOL!! ROFL!!

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” – C. S. Lewis

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